Mark Twain is often credited for making the astute observation that "death and taxes" are the only certainties in life.

Most of the time, I try very hard to keep in mind all the things that my various tax monies are used for that make my life better, easier, pleasant: I like freeways, public road systems that make it easy for me to travel from Point A to Point B in the comfort and convenience of my own vehicle on my own schedule. I like libraries. I like parks and forests. I like museums and public transportation options. I even like public medical clinics and hospitals and a social welfare system that allows me to sleep at night knowing that children are unlikely to be starving or bleeding to death because their parents can't afford to take care of them. And I like a voluntary military that means that will kick @$$ on my behalf without my actually being required to personally serve… Yes. I know. A lot of people have ideas on how to do a lot of these things better. Don't think I don't have my own ideas for how to revise these programs in order that I could pay less money in taxes.

But in theory, at least, this is but a brief list of things that my taxes do that I'm OK with.

Of course, that doesn't make it any easier to part with that money. But I try to remember that I like some of those things.

But you know what I think is a scam? My city business license. And dealing with my city over it does nothing to change my mind.

I have been a good little citizen for all the years that I have done business in the city of Visalia, Calif. I have always been sure to keep a valid business tax certificate, whether I am working as a booth renter or the salon owner. It's not too terribly expensive — averaging about $60 a year.

Then I moved to our city's downtown district. Which is supposed to be the "it" zip code for quaint, sole proprietorships. It also comes at a premium tax rate; I get to pay exactly double the rate for my business tax certificate for the "privilege" of working downtown.

In exchange for the extra cost of my business license, I — allegedly — am automatically included in the rumored "Downtown Merchant's Alliance." Which is supposedly a collective entity comprised of owners of downtown businesses who get to plan and execute all sorts of community events such as the Downtown Farmer's Market, Blues, Brews, & Barbeques, the annual waiters race, the car show, the annual Taste of Downtown, several sidewalk sales throughout the year, and the annual Christmas Parade ... among other things.

Problem is, the actual city office — while responsible for (rabidly) collecting the taxes — has absolutely nothing to do with the mythical merchant's alliance. When I registered my new business address — and paid my inflated fee — I inquired about my "membership" and how to get involved with the alliance. I was told, "You'll get a packet in the mail."

It's been nearly three years.

Thus far, my best guess on how my tax premium is benefitting the downtown merchants is that it seems to allow them to maintain and operate an office with full-time staff to sit around and collect money to buy parking passes that allow us to actually park within walking distance of our businesses without risk of multiple parking tickets if we fail to diligently move our vehicles every three hours.

And yet, for the most part, I manage to look out my window and sigh contentedly at the paltry price of my view.

And then today's mail arrived, including the rather thick envelope from the city offices which revealed upon opening, a "notice of intent of citation" because they don't think I have a business license.

Hrmph. I will have to wait to see if the problem really does get resolved as easily as this morning's phone call suggests.

In the meantime: No. I don't support the city business tax. I think it's a crock that I have to pay for the opportunity to operate a local business and contribute to the local economy. I have a hard time believing that the math would prove otherwise if I were privy to the details.

Imagine how much less our business licenses could cost if we just did away with the salary of the people who can't figure out whether I have a business license or not.