I am working on a “professionally” worded e-mail template to “politely” explain my reasons for deactivating the self-booking feature on my online booking system for certain clients — or would-be clients, or wannabe clients, or whatever they are.

The window shopping has taken its toll on me and is starting to show real effects on my schedule. So I have been going into the system and removing some people’s privileges so they can’t book online anymore.

I sorta figure this really warrants an explanatory e-mail, but I’m having trouble coming up with a tactful and professional wording for one.

What I really want to say is, “That’s it! You’ve gone too far. Ya ‘messed’ up and now you’re grounded from playing with the system.” And no, I don’t want to say “messed.”

I want to say from now on they’ll have to ask me personally to schedule an appointment for them and if they don’t show up, then they don’t get to make any more appointments.

I can’t believe people are so obtuse that they are actually surprised when I tell them that 27 reschedules barely 24 hours in advance is taking advantage of the policy. They actually blink their lash extensions in confusion and say, “But Maggie, I gave you 24-hour notice — just like you wanted.”

Yeah, I want 24-hour notice, but giving me 24-hour notice 27 times in a row is a bit overboard, doncha think?!

But I probably can’t get away with such honesty in an e-mail, can I? No. I need to say something “professional” like, “Dear (insert actual name instead of ‘idiot who shouldn’t be allowed to use a computer unsupervised’), It has come to my attention that several of your recent appointments have resulted in multiple reschedulings and eventual cancellation. Although I appreciate that you have been careful to make changes with the required 24-hour notice, multiple changes do cause problems for other clients attempting to use the online booking feature and eventually lead to lost income for me. Unfortunately I must suspend your online booking privileges until further notice. When you are ready to schedule an appointment that fits into your busy schedule, please contact me by phone at...”

Right? That’s what I have to do? Not hop up and down and scream at them? Not send them an e-mail that contains a photo of a Jolly Roger that says, “Regarding your inability to keep any of the appointments you have scheduled with me over the last year — EPIC FAIL! NO ONLINE BOOKING FOR YOU!”?

It’s gonna be a long year... mostly for them. Not me. I control the book from the back end.